Women Are Women

Remember back to 15 years ago while I was in China, I was a young fresh junior uni student, sitting in an English class room, listening to a foreign teacher giving lecture to nearly 200 Chinese students. It was a public university in a normal city in China. The teacher was a handsome young white fellow. He looked around 25 years age, comfortably intelligent and well mannered. He is obviously not coming to China to dig gold since no one would be coming to this place to teach if he/she wants to make any money. I heard salary for a foreign teacher in my uni was around $500 a month. Any job in US would make him a lot more than that.

I was excited. Didn't see many foreign faces actually speaking English at my age. I was very curious about western culture. Reasons I have given in other posts. From a background where hierarchy was a number one rule in daily life, I honestly unconsciously felt that American people are at a more hierarchy level than we Chinese people. Look at their civilisation, look at their education, literature, science, environment ...., what do we have better than them except our long history? There were three young American female teachers as well. They were cute, pretty and smart. I felt me and them are like two type of species in this universe. Although we all can talk and walk with two legs, I think in my hierarchy world, these people should be above the highest. The normal Chinese hierarchy system is like: King of China - Everyone works for him - State captain - Everyone works for him - City Captain - Everyone works for him - Village Captain and his fellows - My Ground Father - Grand Mother - Father - Mother - Younger Brother - Oldest Sister - Second Sister - Me. In this micro system in the uni, the hierarchy would be: USA teacher - Principle - Department Principle - Master Teacher - All other teachers - Class Leader - Classmate with good score - Me . This is almost like a formula we use for all our daily tasks. I have genuinely never thought there could be possibility that me be equal to those Americans. It didn't bother me too much though. I had been living like that my whole life. I was used to it.

The USA teacher spoke very nice English with clear pronunciation and proper rhythm. I could tell he's well educated from his speech even though I could barely understand the content of the speech. I was sitting in the middle of the crowd, listening to his nice American English, trying hard to catch what he was saying, like many other students in the class. Suddenly the crowd burst into a loud laugh. I knew he made a joke and I had no idea what the joke was, but I decided to focus so that not miss a joke again. The teacher paused a second then he continued again. "A student asked me today what's the difference between Chinese women and American women?" He then surprisingly shook his head without answering the question directly and instead said that "maybe it's a culture thing, but it's not American women or Chinese women. Women are women! We say women in China or women in America, not Chinese women or American women..." It's really funny that I forgot all the rest part of the lecture, but I remembered this sentence for 15 years. Women are women. Why we put a frame in front of a person to categorise her / him first? We are all women and we are all the same. From that day on, I realised how amazing this sentence has influenced me. I started to dare to dream big. I started to dig my potential and not give up just because I was at the bottom of the hierarchy world. This teacher gave me my biggest inspiration in my life. Later I found out that he was a church leader in the uni. Isn't that a coincident?

A Girl From Centre China

She used to despise her father and mother. Coz they seems only focused on the boy as if he was the only needed child in this family. The prejudice and ignorance of the parents during childhood made her so rebelling and wanted to be different from the whole society. She wasn't a fan of Chinese tradition. She disliked most of the cultural coz just because she was a girl, she was treated as the second after boys. Also just because she was a child, she was dominated and was completely hierarchy from the authority - the elders. She started dreaming going away from this cultural and this society as it made her miserable. She was very upset with the falling behind, isolated, uncivilised and sealed chinese country side. She swelled she would go away from all these. She succeeded. She immigrated to a very developed country - australia. A country where women were more respected. a country where children were treated equally with the parents. A country where people are open minded. However, in the end, some part is what she has dreamed of, while there's still another part she felt missing. In the end, she realised, that part of her is still being a chinese girl, which she will never change, which she will have to make herself get along with. Facing the difference of cultural, the huge gap between what she has experienced in childhood, and what she had experienced in this developed modern civilised country, she finally made herself be able to face everything peacefully.

During the experience of exploring the western world, a huge stimulation was from her dream of finding a true love, who could give her the missing attention during her childhood. The care and equality she always wanted her whole life. She got herself hit by quite many bumps. So far, she hasn't found the person yet. There was once a man, who also had huge passion in international culture and relations, who was also interested in internal culture. However, unfortunately, they were driven by slightly different motivation. He wanted to protect Australia from the other world. She however, wanted to change china and bring more equal to the world. She has these beautiful dreams to make a change to the world. but not many men could understand or even just see it.

Even it's not working for the relationship, she decided to let it go and do what she think she is granted to do for this world. She decided to contribute to this website and write down her stories, for those who had similar experiences as her, as well as those who wants to know what happened to this interesting girl's life. Hope this experience will help to improve the world to a better place. A nice beautiful marriage is what she is hoping for, but is not what her life is for. She decided to live her life, not to limit her life by a pursuing a marriage. She decided to tell the true story of her own to the whole world. She believed, her true story will get some to this world.

Hopefully, someday, she will be able to make a film or show from her story.

Life Is all about choices

Years ago while i was in china, i was taught the most important thing of my life was to find a charming prince to get married, having kids then be happy forever. After failure of searching for such a charming prince for nearly 15 years, i finally decided to pause this searching but focusing on my own life. However, there the problem comes. What I want for my life? Since i started thinking this question, i often get lost. There are tons of moments that i seriously didn't know what i wanted in my life.

I don't care about travelling that much. I don't find it's that fascinating to spend a week in the 5 star hotel on an island. I don't wear jeweller coz i found them heavy and not necessary. I don't need a porsche car or a yacht. I don't care about glorying clothes. For me, it seems easy to be satisfied. But maybe it's the spiritual inspiration of myself that I am lack of.

Today, i am thinking. i want to find a good model for me to learn. Then i won't get lost. So i searched in my head. who this model can it be? I had a long list of famous and great people that i may be able to learn or copy. However, those are them. They are not me. and even somehow i found i don't really want to be someone else but myself. And the biggest problem is i actually didn't spend much time thinking who i am.

After living in this colorful world for 30 years, i have liked and loved lots of activities. Almost every activity i did before however, was driven by a clear aim. I watched American movies mostly because i wanted to learn English and western cultural. I learned English because i wanted to come to Australia. I went hiking because i liked the clear fresh air in the mountain. Same as camping. I dance mostly because it keeps me fit. Good thing about driving by aim is that you won't like alcohol or drugs because you won't find any purpose or aim from those two expensive hobbies.

That's the life purpose i have learned in China. We came to this earth for living. The purpose of life is to survive till the day you pass away and your next generation will keep going. While after i came to Australia and start to settling down a little bit, i start to realize i am running out of purposes and aims. You don't really need to worry too much about surviving in this country as long as you get education and go to work. What i should do if i don't have a purpose or aim then? It's like a sail-boat on the ocean. the worst thing could happen is you don't know where to go. You would float on the ocean and let the wind blow you here and there. you might go further and further from where you like to go, but you wouldn't know coz you can't see the light house. and I definitely don't want to live like that.

And the hardest part of your life comes, you got to make decisions about your life now. i keep telling myself this.

To be continued.

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Silly Life Style

I have been living in so conscious attitude for bloody 32 years. I tried every possibility to avoid conflicts as possible as i can. i tried to save every bloody cent i can so that i will get some savings in case of accidents. I insisted trying that boring career where payment was just so so, while still has politics. I was the first person made redundant right away when the budget is getting tight. I tried to hide my affection to a workmate so that not show my true feeling and getting hated in the end. This is not the first time, it's been happening for ten years. I have doing the work to accumulate savings, but i have never tried to live for my life, but not just being alive.

Today, i failed the bloody driving test again. I was so nervous while i was on the test. Not because the test itself, but also the cost for the stupid test. I need to pay nearly $100 just for the test and need to pay $60 an hour for the lessons. Surprisingly, the instructor is a super handsome guy. When i say super handsome, he is like really super handsome like super model. He is around 190 tall. Very nice body. Slightly brownish golden hair. Very nice and friendly facial feature. Tall and pretty nose. Blue eyes. and he is a very nice person too. After experiencing the house collision with the greedy and obsessive landlord, the irresponsible former driving instructor looked happy while saw me failed my test the first time and wanted to charge me $150 because i wanted to cancel the second test that morning. After being the first choice of getting cut in the team when the company budget getting tight. I started doubting the point of coming to this country. I lost my hope for kindness. lost my hope for people's caring or justice in this country. This new good looking instructor looks really young. At first, i even thought he was only around 24 and didn't really trust him. He possibly knew I was short of money. So he was willing to teach me half hour longer one day before the test. And he didn't charge me the half hour training on the test day. I felt so good. Not just because i could pay less. But also the way he treated me. It gave me the hope of kindness and caring in this country.

When saw me failed my test, he looked sorry. And he tried to comfort me and encourage me while saw me bursting into tears. I know he really doesn't have to help me if he thought i wasn't going to keep hiring him if i fail any way. he told me he failed a lot of things in his life as well. I guess he must have tried music and art. or acting. coz he got the looks and he has the artist feeling. I really felt better after I heard what he said. Just such a nice person. If he wasn't so good looking and married, i would really be willing to make friends with him.

Now after all what happened, i have decided to change the way of living my life. I need to live, not just be alive. I have tried to sacrifice everything to try to live a stable life, while nothing is working.

I will live the way in the bold and happy way!

I Pretended Being Ashamed

I come from China. Born in mid 1980s. I was taught to be ashamed of being touched by a man. Well, to be honest, I have never felt ashamed. My society back then taught women that it is your shame if a man touched you. It is your fault that this happened to you. Now I start thinking: "why women that were touched by other men should feel ashamed?" There's nothing we did wrong. Nothing we could do to change at most occasions either. Also, our instinct reaction was never feeling ashamed. There are always two feelings we women would feel after being touched by a man. If he touched me after my approval, I would feel happy and possibly want to get closer. If it's a disgusting man touched me without my approval, i would feel very  disgussed and annoyed, rather than being ashamed. There, i said it. I just pretended being ashamed before. Now i am not going to anymore.

My Believing Zone

We were born to live in this world. We learn things. we hear things. we doubt things. However, sometimes we need to learn about ourselves. To know what's our limit, not just by being told by others. It's only less than half century ago women were not allowed to vote like men. Women were not encouraged to go to school, to get education, to be intelligent and creative. and nowadays, we all see that women can be good educated, intelligent, creative and being feminine at the same time. While facing choosing medicine or engineering for college, i chose engineering - civil engineering. I guess i just have some weird thing in my bones that i want to prove i can be cool. i am not gay and i am just not a princess girl. Being the third daughter in the family, i was raised somehow like a boy by my parents. My mother never encouraged me to do makeups or spending time in dressing up like other girls. She always encourages me to do something more practical, coz that's the type of woman she is. My father worked as an electrician. I learned how to use his pliers, hammers and copper wire to make my first necklace and earrings. I basically do what ever other boys do except they way they pee. I fight with boys a lot of times for anti-bullying, including protecting my younger brother from older bullies. I learned how to be independent, be strong and be compassionate to the weaker and i deeply understand how important a fair and equal society is.

During my teenage hood, i was considered being cool and admired by all the teenage fellows. I surprisingly got along with those naughty boys and learned from them in my late middle school. Just during a very short time, i transferred myself from one of the most brilliant student to be a 'bad' student very quickly. This doesn't mean i did everything wrong though. I decided to change to some high school which took academics more seriously. Thank god i made that decision and again, i transferred the mild-naughty girl to a completely needy girl in the new high school during the first few weeks. I spend time with all the needy students and did nothing but reading books and studying. My hair was cut very short during my whole childhood and teenage hood. I was miscalled as a sir from behind on a bus one time, not even a boy, but a sir. how funny is that?

No one would give me any privilege either in shopping or anything as i didn't have anything related to cute princess. I guess i got so used to be treated as a boy. It's like Aya in Game of thrones, deeply i am proud of being a girl, but i also want to explore myself how far i can reach without those pretty cute looks.

Now let me tell you, i feel so glad and lucky that i did what i did in high school. Choosing reading books rather than just learning how to do makeups helped me recognized the world. I quickly learned that there's a better world outside than china. I learned english and opened my eyes and mind. When you read more books and learn more knowledge, your heart will become more wild and higher. I didn't just want to stay in that little town my whole life. I aimed to go abroad to experience the completely different world. When your mind is not limited by the world, you will give yourself a bigger dream. I had that big dream already in high school.

After entered the university, i sort of wanted to give myself a break and become more girly. I started keeping long hair, wearing nice dresses, pretending being ridiculously innocent and stupid in front of the boys i dated, expecting the boys will protect me and like me. It didn't work. I realized i was smarter and more mature than a lot of the boys i knew. It's a hard work to pretend being silly and innocent. Unfortunately, the side effects i got was i really started believing a lot of things i was born not to be doing, like swimming. I started to believe i would never be able to swim. i even made an excuse for myself it's because of my body structure.

What's worse is that i put that idea into my head so deeply and i even started avoiding things and not even giving things a try. I came to australia 4 years ago, i was afraid of learning new things here as there are just too much information every day. Everything is new. People's body language and facial expression is so different from where i came from. Why people you never met would smile at you so nicely on the street? Why they hug each other when they just met the first time? Even when i just went to the bank to open a bank account, those words i saw on the paper are just sooo different from what i have learned from my books. i wanted a driving license, but i didn't even try after i heard about driving written test. I didn't even wanted to learn road rules.

My question to myself now is: what happened to me? where did the young ambitious and nerdy girl go? The last 5 years i perhaps have read less than 5 books. well, of course, i mean in english. English is like Mountain Everest in front of me. i can't climb over, neither would i ever want. I was surprised by how much i have put in my head last several years, especially during the two years while i was dating a man. It was only very recently, started trying some thing over my believing zone. I fixed a car from dead battery coz i didn't believe the insurance tradesman told my friend that "the battery broke down because the electricity drained out and it costs $200 to get a new one from him". It was like a sudden waking up. I have never touched a car battery. Even this professional tradesman said there's no other ways to fix it. And i am a girl. how would it be possible for a girl who doesn't know any mechanics about cars to fix a car? I didn't believe until i used my simple tools and took the battery out of the car. I put the recharge on and recharged the batter. After i put it back and started the engine. The engine sounded like a magic. I was so encouraged by myself. I could fix something that some men said there's no other way to fix.

But hold on, why aren't girls able to do something if just because some men are not able to handle? Where did i get that theory?

You won't realize how much you have been effected by the stereotypes until you walk out of your believing zone and proved yourself.

We always want so many beautiful things to happen in our lives. but we often just limit it to the dream. We find excuses for ourselves to believe so that we can avoid things we find hard to over come. and put that idea into our head  and believe it deeply.

No need a lot of words to express our fear. We fear too much in this world. We fear people's opinions. We fear failure. We fear being looked down upon or being judged for the way we act or we dressed... Even in the end, we all physically disappear from the earth and becomes nothing. Why don't just walk out of the long term believing zone and try to grab something you have being longed for a very long long time? Sail from your safety harbor. A boat means nothing if it just stops at it's safe harbor its whole life.

Life is about Choices

IMAG1959 Years ago while i was in china, i was taught the most important thing of my life was to find a charming prince to get married, having kids then be happy forever. After failure of searching for such a charming prince for nearly 15 years, i finally decided to pause this searching but focusing in my own life. However, there the problem comes. What I want for my life? Since i started thinking this question, i often get lost. There are tons of moments that i seriously didn't know what i wanted in my life.

I don't need to travel to fancy places that much. I don't find it's that fascinating to spend a week in the 5 star hotel on an island. I don't wear jeweller coz i found them heavy and not necessary. I don't need a porsche car or a yacht. I don't care about glorying clothes. For me, it seems easy to be satisfied. But maybe it's the spiritual inspiration of myself that I am lack of.

Today, i am thinking. i want to find a good model for me to learn. Then i won't get lost. So i searched in my head. who this model can it be? I had a long list of famous and great people that i may be able to learn or copy. However, those are them. They are not me. and even somehow i found i don't really want to be someone else but myself. And the biggest problem is i actually didn't spend much time thinking who i am.

After living in this colorful world for 30 years, i have liked and loved lots of activities. Almost every activity i did before however, was driven by a clear aim. I watched American movies mostly because i wanted to learn English and western cultural. I learned English because i wanted to come to Australia. I went hiking because i liked the clear fresh air in the mountain. Same as camping. I dance mostly because it keeps me fit. Good thing about driving by aim is that you won't like alcohol or drugs because you won't find any purpose or aim from those two expensive hobbies.

That's the life style i have learned in China. We came to this earth for living. The purpose of life is to survive till the day you pass away and your next generation will keep going. While after i came to Australia and start to settling down a little bit, i start to realize i am running out of purpose and aims. You don't really need to worry too much about surviving in this country as long as you go get education and go to work. What i should do if i don't have a purpose or aim then? It's like a sail-boat in the ocean. the worst thing could happen is you don't know where to go. You would float on the oscean and let the wind blow you here and there. you might go further and further from where you like to go, but you wouldn't know coz you can't see the light house. and I definitely don't want to live like that.

And the hardest part of your life comes, you got to make decisions about your life now. i keep telling myself this.

To be continued.